playinginsand | (no subject)

(no subject)

Rachel has been asleep for a couple of hours. Tobias had stood up to wrap a blanket around her shoulders over an hour ago. Now he's sitting in a chair, watching her, sort of.

He's still worried about her, of course, but now he's thinking about... well... what's next. Over two hours morphed human... He's stuck again.

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"Long enough," he answers, almost as quiet. He forces a smile again, a sort of promise that he's okay.

Even if he's not sure it's true.

Rachel doesn't think it is. She'd had no expression yesterday - now, she's nothing but emotion.

Horror. And guilt.

"No..."

Tobias pushes himself up out of his chair and strides across the room to kneel in front of her. "I chose," he says simply.

This is not her fault. Not her fault.

His words almost make it worse.

"No," she insists and the break is obvious now, trying to force it to be true. Rachel lifts her head but her arms tighten around her knees, staring at him with wet blue eyes. "No, Tobias, it- I was wrong, you never wanted this."

"I chose," he repeats. "And not because you wanted me to."

But because she'd needed him. Not to change, but to be there.

Her lips press together tight as she shakes her head, and those same slow leaking tears appear down her cheeks again.

"No, no, no, god, no..."

She trapped him.

She trapped someone else.

Tobias hesitates for a second before reaching out to wrap his arms around her. "It's not your fault," he repeats again. "You do not get to blame yourself."

His arms.

Rachel releases her knees - but only so she can bow her head to her knees and put her hands to the back of her neck.

Nothlit, Nothlit, Nothlit. The word won't leave her head.

Tobias cups her cheek and pushes her head up. "Look at me, Rachel. Please... please look at me."

Please tell him that he hasn't ruined everything.

It isn't hard to lift her head. Rachel is almost limp sitting there, hands curled loosely over her shoulders when he lifts her head, red eyes and wet cheeks.

"Why?" she demands, breathless. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

"I promised I wouldn't leave you." And stepping away to morph would have required that.

"I promised." Emphasis on him.

"This isn't you."

Isn't that what he always told her?

"You've always been with me before."

And if he couldn't hold her... hadn't she gotten through worse - much worse - without that?

"It is now."

He holds her chin and leans in close. "I don't regret it."

At least not yet. And he hoped never.

Rachel shakes her head again, much as she can with his hand on her chin, expression incredulous as much as horrified. He hasn't had time to regret it. He hasn't thought it through. And when it all comes crashing down, there's no Ellimist to fix it.

He'll never fly again.

"Why?" she whispers, staring into his eyes, pale and large and soft and nothing like the hard, predatory gold they've been for so long. "You just trapped yourself in a body you never liked. A morph you hate. A teenage human - Tobias, you don't have wings.

"How could you do this to yourself?"

"I promised." It was as simple as that.

No it wasn't.

He's always been there for her, even if it was just flying by her side, sitting on her shoulder, being in the same room with her. Before this place, he never morphed just because she asked him to. And when she used to ask him, he always said no.

Always.

Rachel shakes her head - and this time, she pulls away from him, covering her eyes with a hand. Not just David, not just herself. She's destroyed Tobias' life too.

He knows her. And that means he knows what she's thinking.

"You didn't do this. Don't you dare try to make this your fault. I'm fully able to make my own decisions."

"Then why didn't you do it before?"

She'd always demanded the question, snapped it, violent and angry. There are tears in her voice now, letting the hand drop to look at him. "I've asked you a thousand times before and you never would. Then I come in yesterday like..."

"You never needed it before." Wanted it, maybe. But needed it? No. He knew she hadn't.

Rachel freezes, jaw dropping slightly.

And we're back to horror.

"You ruined your life and you don't even know why," she whispers.

"I know exactly why." She'd needed him.

"Besides, I didn't ruin my life."

She stares at him again. She's as desperate for him to understand as she is still struggling just to think about it. So when Rachel manages to speak again, it's only one word:

"David."

Tobias' eyes widen. What?

"No!"

It's not the same. Not at all.

Rachel doesn't move at all, still looking at him. But after a couple of seconds, her jaw starts working.

She wants him to understand. But it's no easier thinking of tunnels and close spaces, construction sites and airless boxes, and rats.

"A weak... defenseless body. A morph you hate."

"You didn't do this to me," he insists. "It's not the same."

She has to believe that. She has to. He couldn't live with losing his wings and hurting her worse in the process.