playinginsand | (no subject)

(no subject)

Rachel has been asleep for a couple of hours. Tobias had stood up to wrap a blanket around her shoulders over an hour ago. Now he's sitting in a chair, watching her, sort of.

He's still worried about her, of course, but now he's thinking about... well... what's next. Over two hours morphed human... He's stuck again.

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Rachel wakes up still leaning against the couch. Her sleep began from mental exhaustion and as such, she'd had no dreams - to begin with. By the end, words are echoing in her head.

"You are already a Nothlit," "There's something pretty dark inside you," "You have potential," "A happy accident"

But she wakes easily, eyes fluttering open. She stays still and blinking, remembering where she is and why and how.

Slowly, she lifts her gaze, though without moving her head, to try and find Tobias.

"Hey," he says softly. Nothing more. Not yet.

She looks at him for a long moment, silent and expressionless - though her face is certainly softer than usual.

And not quite as broken as last night.

"...you don't have to do that," she murmurs, her voice rough from sleep.

"What? Sit here?" he asks with a gentle smile.

"Be human."

Her arms wrap slowly around her knees, still pressed up against her chest, but Rachel's expression doesn't change.

His smile shifts to wry. "It's not a problem. I'm here for you." He almost said 'yes I do', but... that can wait.

Rachel shakes her head, slow and careful, her eyes drifting from him again. "No. I don't want you to, I want..."

She kept her hands dirty so they could be the good guys. Because if they were good, and she was with them, then she would be good, too. So if Tobias is human, and she's with him, then that would make Rachel human, too.

She'd never thought of it that way before. She'd never let herself think that way before.

And it isn't fair.

"I want you to be you," Rachel whispers, setting her chin on her knees.

"This is me." Now. He offers her another smile, trying to be reassuring.

The first expression flits over her face: guilt.

"No," Rachel murmurs, very soft. "I'm sorry. I never should have... I haven't been fair."

"What do you mean?" Tobias asks. "You're just... you."

Another day? He'd agree. But something happened to her, and until he finds out what... he's not going to risk saying anything harsh to her.

A wrinkle forms between her eyebrows, as if it was harsh anyway. And, after she sits in silence for a moment to think about it, she flinches.

"You're a hawk," she murmurs, "and you're happy that way. It's not fair to... I'm sorry."

"What I am," Tobias corrects, "is here for you." However he needs to be. Whatever she needs.

That's all he has now since... well, if she doesn't need him like this... what is he supposed to do?

She's quiet again, still not looking at him. But when Rachel does lift her gaze, it's with a small, grateful - if sad - smile.

"I know."

Through everything, always, Tobias was there for her.

"So... what do you need?" He can just sit here silently if that's what she needs. But if she wants to talk...

Rachel hesitates, thinking about this. What does she need and what she can actually get are two different things.

But one of them seems reachable enough.

"Demorph?" she asks, very small. But at least she's still looking at him, focusing on his presence. She wants him here with her, the way he's most comfortable.

He shrugs a bit uncomfortably. "Sorry." He can't do that.

She hadn't been smiling anyway, but somehow her face falls, eyebrows drawing together. Confused and only partly for his answer. Mostly because he's denying a request.

He's... never done that before.

Slowly, Rachel's arms tighten around her knees and she looks up at him, face open and looking very young.

"Why?"

"Can't." One word answers made things easier... right?

She blinks, unnversed by the turn of the conversation but clearly not understanding yet.

And then the horror starts to move over her face, eyes wide and lips parting.

Her voice is almost too soft to be called broken. "How long have you..."

"Long enough," he answers, almost as quiet. He forces a smile again, a sort of promise that he's okay.

Even if he's not sure it's true.

Rachel doesn't think it is. She'd had no expression yesterday - now, she's nothing but emotion.

Horror. And guilt.

"No..."

Tobias pushes himself up out of his chair and strides across the room to kneel in front of her. "I chose," he says simply.

This is not her fault. Not her fault.

His words almost make it worse.

"No," she insists and the break is obvious now, trying to force it to be true. Rachel lifts her head but her arms tighten around her knees, staring at him with wet blue eyes. "No, Tobias, it- I was wrong, you never wanted this."

"I chose," he repeats. "And not because you wanted me to."

But because she'd needed him. Not to change, but to be there.

Her lips press together tight as she shakes her head, and those same slow leaking tears appear down her cheeks again.

"No, no, no, god, no..."

She trapped him.

She trapped someone else.