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[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

Rachel has been asleep for a couple of hours. Tobias had stood up to wrap a blanket around her shoulders over an hour ago. Now he's sitting in a chair, watching her, sort of.

He's still worried about her, of course, but now he's thinking about... well... what's next. Over two hours morphed human... He's stuck again.

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[theresnodoor]

Rachel shakes her head, slow and careful, her eyes drifting from him again. "No. I don't want you to, I want..."

She kept her hands dirty so they could be the good guys. Because if they were good, and she was with them, then she would be good, too. So if Tobias is human, and she's with him, then that would make Rachel human, too.

She'd never thought of it that way before. She'd never let herself think that way before.

And it isn't fair.

"I want you to be you," Rachel whispers, setting her chin on her knees.

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"This is me." Now. He offers her another smile, trying to be reassuring.

[theresnodoor]

The first expression flits over her face: guilt.

"No," Rachel murmurs, very soft. "I'm sorry. I never should have... I haven't been fair."

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"What do you mean?" Tobias asks. "You're just... you."

Another day? He'd agree. But something happened to her, and until he finds out what... he's not going to risk saying anything harsh to her.

[theresnodoor]

A wrinkle forms between her eyebrows, as if it was harsh anyway. And, after she sits in silence for a moment to think about it, she flinches.

"You're a hawk," she murmurs, "and you're happy that way. It's not fair to... I'm sorry."

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"What I am," Tobias corrects, "is here for you." However he needs to be. Whatever she needs.

That's all he has now since... well, if she doesn't need him like this... what is he supposed to do?

[theresnodoor]

She's quiet again, still not looking at him. But when Rachel does lift her gaze, it's with a small, grateful - if sad - smile.

"I know."

Through everything, always, Tobias was there for her.

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"So... what do you need?" He can just sit here silently if that's what she needs. But if she wants to talk...

[theresnodoor]

Rachel hesitates, thinking about this. What does she need and what she can actually get are two different things.

But one of them seems reachable enough.

"Demorph?" she asks, very small. But at least she's still looking at him, focusing on his presence. She wants him here with her, the way he's most comfortable.

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

He shrugs a bit uncomfortably. "Sorry." He can't do that.

[theresnodoor]

She hadn't been smiling anyway, but somehow her face falls, eyebrows drawing together. Confused and only partly for his answer. Mostly because he's denying a request.

He's... never done that before.

Slowly, Rachel's arms tighten around her knees and she looks up at him, face open and looking very young.

"Why?"

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"Can't." One word answers made things easier... right?

[theresnodoor]

She blinks, unnversed by the turn of the conversation but clearly not understanding yet.

And then the horror starts to move over her face, eyes wide and lips parting.

Her voice is almost too soft to be called broken. "How long have you..."

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"Long enough," he answers, almost as quiet. He forces a smile again, a sort of promise that he's okay.

Even if he's not sure it's true.

[theresnodoor]

Rachel doesn't think it is. She'd had no expression yesterday - now, she's nothing but emotion.

Horror. And guilt.

"No..."

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

Tobias pushes himself up out of his chair and strides across the room to kneel in front of her. "I chose," he says simply.

This is not her fault. Not her fault.

[theresnodoor]

His words almost make it worse.

"No," she insists and the break is obvious now, trying to force it to be true. Rachel lifts her head but her arms tighten around her knees, staring at him with wet blue eyes. "No, Tobias, it- I was wrong, you never wanted this."

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"I chose," he repeats. "And not because you wanted me to."

But because she'd needed him. Not to change, but to be there.

[theresnodoor]

Her lips press together tight as she shakes her head, and those same slow leaking tears appear down her cheeks again.

"No, no, no, god, no..."

She trapped him.

She trapped someone else.

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

Tobias hesitates for a second before reaching out to wrap his arms around her. "It's not your fault," he repeats again. "You do not get to blame yourself."

[theresnodoor]

His arms.

Rachel releases her knees - but only so she can bow her head to her knees and put her hands to the back of her neck.

Nothlit, Nothlit, Nothlit. The word won't leave her head.

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

Tobias cups her cheek and pushes her head up. "Look at me, Rachel. Please... please look at me."

Please tell him that he hasn't ruined everything.

[theresnodoor]

It isn't hard to lift her head. Rachel is almost limp sitting there, hands curled loosely over her shoulders when he lifts her head, red eyes and wet cheeks.

"Why?" she demands, breathless. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

[whoiwasmeant2be.livejournal.com]

"I promised I wouldn't leave you." And stepping away to morph would have required that.

"I promised." Emphasis on him.

[theresnodoor]

"This isn't you."

Isn't that what he always told her?

"You've always been with me before."

And if he couldn't hold her... hadn't she gotten through worse - much worse - without that?